I’ll mash up the ‘tater haters
Millennials seem to be unaware that the potato is a noble hero
EVERYONE’S very angry nowadays, aren’t they? People fly off the handle at the smallest thing, take offence at any opinion different to their own, and – thanks, social media – have the perfect platform to rant away about it to their heart’s discontent.
The problem is that when the entire population of the world is constantly furious, it lessens the effect of being genuinely annoyed about something. Real rage gets lost in the continuous cacophony of crossness.
So when I tell you that something made me very angry this week, it will be easy – second nature by this point – to massively underestimate what I mean.
To clarify: I wasn’t mildly put out, or even fuming – I was properly incandescent with white-hot burning fury... in that way you only really can be when you hear about total injustice because a pure and innocent victim is being treated unfairly by horrible bullies.
Millennials have taken against the potato. HOW DARE THEY?! Pick on someone your own size, Manbun.
This week, new figures have shown potato sales are down, and industry experts reckon it’s because they’re unpopular with the selfie generation. Ironic, really, as potatoes are one of the three things vegans can actually eat.
But potatoes – in their eyes (intended) – aren’t exotic or fashionable, hugely important concerns when it comes to choosing fuel to keep your body working, clearly.
These snowflakes also complain that potatoes are “inconvenient” – probably because they come in a wrapper that doesn’t just slide off when you pull a tab, but that you actually have to remove yourself, with a tiny bit of effort.
The final nail in the potato coffin is that it’s almost certainly impossible to peel one without – shudder – putting your phone down for a minute.
Millennials seem completely unaware the potato is a noble hero. A comforting, trustworthy icon which should be revered and cherished. If the potato were a human celebrity, rather than just a vegetable one, it would be Sir David Attenborough. It should be treated with respect, and gratitude.
No, it’s not flashy, or bright green and Instagrammable like the avocado, but the potato is there, being solid and dependable, whenever you need it. It doesn’t shout, show off, or boast – but it’s endlessly versatile and you can always rely on it to put in a solid performance. It’s the Dame Judi Dench of the plate.
The potato plays the most important part in all the best meals, the food that makes our country great – the roasts, fish and chips, bangers and mash. It can effortlessly run the full gamut of culinary demands – it can be dressed up poshly as dauphinoise, or be unpretentious and stripped down just in its jacket. It can be a salad. It could probably be a pudding if it wanted to. And everything in between.
Potatoes make everything better, raise every meal to the next level simply by being involved. To not appreciate the potato is to not appreciate life... so carry on, millennials. Keep on the way you’re going, snubbing the potato at every turn. All the more for us.