Teen daughter hates us and we row all the time
Dear Coleen
I have a 17-year-old daughter who I used to have a really good relationship with, as did my husband. But over the last year or so, she seems to have grown so angry towards us.
She spends a lot of time out with her friends or locked away in her room, and whenever we try to spend time with her she tells us to go away, or shouts at us. When we ask her to do something like homework or housework, she says we’re too hard on her.
It’s so sad to watch our relationship with her, which has always been so lovely, fall apart.
Growing up as an only child, she was always such a daddy’s girl, and my husband in particular is frustrated with the situation. He gets more angry than I do, when she won’t do her homework or is downright rude to us.
They often end up in shouting matches and I feel like a referee. Things are reaching boiling point and I’m not sure where to turn or what to do anymore. What can we do to fix our relationship?
Coleen says
Oh God, teenagers! I mean she’s 17, which can be a nightmare age. I hear the same thing from other readers and from my friends so, firstly, please don’t think you’re alone or that your situation is in any way unusual. And while I know it probably feels as if your relationship is falling apart, I promise you it’s just a phase and you’ll get through it.
I was lucky when my three kids were teenagers and the biggest advice I’d give is to try not to lecture, because the more you try to parent a teenager like they’re 12 – even if they’re acting like a 12 year old – the more they’ll dig their heels in.
Teenagers have no concept of what it’s like to be a grown up with responsibilities, yet they think they’re adults. So when an actual adult tries to tell them what’s what, their ears close down, they stop listening to you and they shut themselves away or get angry.
It’s nothing personal. Sometimes my teenage daughter will come home and go straight to her room without chatting to me first. But it’s just the way they are – you can’t get angry or think it’s a character flaw.
So stop reading too much into things and thinking your relationship is breaking down.
Everything will be fine. She’s just a teenager. However, you can still have rules in your house. So things like tidying up after herself need to be nonnegotiable. Just try explaining that to her in a calm way, as though you’re talking to another adult.