LOVING HUSBAND FANCIES MEN

Dear Coleen

My husband and I are both 50 and we’ve been married for 30 years and together since we were 17.

We have a great friendship, two beautiful children and, as far as I was concerned, we’ve always had a comfortable and strong marriage.

The only issue has been sex – my husband’s sex drive has always been on the low side and the physical side of our relationship has dwindled, but in all honesty it’s never concerned me too much.

A few months ago I went through his phone looking for a contact number and I found he had been looking at gay porn.

I confronted him and he admitted he’s always fancied men. But also that he loves me, and our daughters, and our life together. I’m devastated. What should I do?

Coleen says

Well I think you either can accept that he’s gay and that you’ll be living with your best friend for ever. Or you end it. Really, it’s that simple.

Because being attracted to men is not something you can change in a person. That’s who he is. I’m sure he really loves you and your children, but the fact is he’s gay but has been living a lie by playing Mr Family Man for the last 30 years. It must have been tough for him and perhaps he did it because he grew up in an era that was less accepting of people being gay.

We’re more open-minded these days, but back then it wasn’t so simple. So it depends on how you feel.

Can you live with him and just be friends? Does he see other men? If so, are you OK with it?

He’s learned to live a lie, but if you stay with him then you need to learn how to do it. After all, I imagine you still love him romantically and fancy him, and now you know the feeling isn’t mutual. Can you live with that?

Only you can decide.