SHE WON’T HUG OR HOLD HANDS

Dear Coleen

I’m in my fifties and I grew up in a very cuddly, loving household where we all showed affection to each other and still do.

Whenever I speak to my parents I end the call with a ‘love you!’ and when I see them – or friends – I greet them with a hug.

But my wife grew up in a very cold and unloving house and finds it almost impossible to show warmth and affection.

I know she loves me, but she never kisses me, or holds my hand or hugs me. If I’ve tried to hug her in front of others she will almost recoil and often bat my hand away if I try to hold hers.

When our daughters were growing up and life was busy, I didn’t mind as much. But now they’re older and my wife and I spend more time together, I’ve noticed it more. I also think the older she gets the colder she’s becoming. I’ve tried mentioning it to her and she jokingly calls me a ‘silly old fool’ but I’d love us to be more tactile. What can I do?

Coleen says

This is so difficult for you both. I can understand why you want more affection, but if this is all she’s ever known it can be hard for her to change.

By the sound of it she never experienced affection from her parents so they probably make her feel uncomfortable. She clearly loves you, but she can’t show it in that way. I know how you feel, as hugs are important to me too. My ex always found affection difficult, when all I wanted was a hug or to hold hands walking down the street.

Like you say, for the first few years when life is busy, you think you’re OK with it. But gradually, as the years go on, you just miss it and it becomes so important.

I can’t ever remember my parents saying they loved us, and we never grew up saying it to each other. But since we lost our parents my siblings and I have realised how important it is and we say it all the time.

Even now I hug my grown-up children all the time and tell them I love them.