Dog’s life to come back as a pooch...
SIR Paul McCartney saw his late wife Linda reincarnated as a white squirrel, coincidentally just after he’d taken the hallucinogenic drug DMT.
He also met God – “This amazingly huge, towering thing, and I was humbled” – but let’s not worry about that now.
Hearing about Paul’s experience, there’s only one thing that we’re obviously all thinking now, I’m sure. What kind of animal would it be best to be reincarnated as?
Don’t worry, I’ve give this one some thought. In reverse order:
7. Dog
This is probably a good one for people who weren’t very popular in life, so they’re already used to trying really, really, REALLY hard to be liked in a pathetically needy way. Far too exhausting for anyone who is in any way well-balanced, though.
6. Horse
The risky option, for gamblers. Could work out brilliantly, leading you to exist in a state of utter freedom as you gallop around wildly, exploring the world... or could doom you to a life of carrying people around on your back. Even worse, law of averages, one of them could easily be Katie Price. You takes your chances.
5. Mouse
A happy outcome for anyone nosey with natural curiosity. Mice can squeeze through the tiniest gaps, meaning they can get in
anywhere and listen to what’s going on. Think of the gossip!
You might even uncover a massive scandal that brings down the government... well, would be capable of bringing down the government, if only you could pass on what you’d heard, which you wouldn’t be able to do because you’re a mouse.
Still, never mind. You could probably bring down a mouse government, if there is one.
4. Bird
OK, not cute, or interesting... but definitely handy if you still have scores to settle. If you’re a bird, you’ll be able to drop things on people below from the sky and get off scotfree... and some of what you drop can be stuff you’ve, er, made yourself if you get my drift. (If not, I’m talking about pooing on
your enemies’ heads).
3. Lion
X Factor rejects, roll up. Anyone who wanted to be famous before can have one last chance now, courtesy of Sir David Attenborough. Nothing comes for free here either though, and you’ll probably have to rip an antelope apart to achieve your 15 minutes, but that’s showbiz. Will also be a refreshing novelty for reality wannabes to come into contact with any kind of pride, too.
2. Cats
Holy grail, natch. Lie around sleeping, have a quick meal, be adored, make zero effort with anyone and then go back to sleep. True happiness. (As long as the staff
are up to scratch).
A horse? You might have to carry Katie Price
1. Squirrels
Have never really recovered, PR-wise, from being called “just a rat in a cuter outfit” by Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City... but now the curse is lifted!
Branding-wise, this is the dream. Because if Sir Paul is right, nearly every single squirrel any of us ever see is, in fact, almost definitely a celebrity who has passed on. How do you like squirrels now, eh?
It’s not clear at this time if they accept applications from the non-famous though, so this might just be #reincarnationgoals for most of us. Sigh.