Goops! You could have bought that stuff a lot cheaper
She’s told us our vaginas need to be steamed, introduced us to “earthing” (walking barefoot on the ground, without having to actually walk barefoot on the ground) and tried to make us pay over the odds for the most basic of items... and yet this week Gwyneth Paltrow has made her most offensive move yet.
The first international Goop pop-up shop just opened in London because, according to its chief content officer Elise Loehnen, “it’s the home of Goop”.
Dunno about you but that statement seems wrong in every possible way...
Yes, Goop started life a decade ago as an almost unpastiche-able mailout, written at Gwyneth’s kitchen table in the Belsize Park mansion she was preconsciously uncouplingly sharing with Coldplay ex Chris Martin.
But today it’s a multi-million-dollar, multi-franchise business, flogging fashion, beauty, vitamins, jade eggs to put in unmentionable places and stuff you could probably get much, much cheaper pretty much anywhere else in the world, even if you flew there first-class.
The first Goop store opened in LA last September selling ayurvedic herbs, wellness supplements, clothing and make-up. Unashamedly promoting Gwyneth’s luxurious, lavish lifestyle, it was widely criticised for its elitism.
Among the most ridiculed items were a $200 bed sheet that can be plugged into a grounding port of an electrical outlet for “earthing”, a $15,000 vibrator, a psychic vampire repellent, a rose gold champagne tumbler for $2,590, a full moon bra burning cleansing ritual and a recipe for “sex bark” containing Ho Shou Wu and Moon Juice’s Sex Dust.
“Sex is something that Gwyneth has been really forward on,” gushes Elise, actually missing a trick by not selling a $3,590 rose gold bucket for people to puke into when reading that sentence.
The UK Goop store is in swanky Notting Hill, perfectly at home alongside expensive designer neighbours like Joseph and Matches, and will be open until January. Put together by Londonbased designer Fran Hickman, the shop combines elements of Californiainspired design and is decorated throughout with plants. Radical.
Apparently, trading was good on the first day, with the Notting Hill set predictably flocking to snap up the rarefied artefacts.
But whether there are enough, er, believers in the area to sustain the store for another four months remains to be seen.
People from other places may conceivably travel to have a look at the store – maybe – but they’re probably unlikely to buy anything... unless they remortgaged before coming, of course.
But what is actually for sale, then?
Well, for starters, plenty of Gwyneth’s fashion favourites – like a G Label military coat for the bargain price of £1,235. The homeware is just your basic, down to earth old normal stuff we all have in our houses – you know, like cushions made by Argentinean weavers using neutral organic wool, starting at £200. Yes, that’s £200 each. Tsk. The grey enamelled earthenware is made by premium French label Staub and starts at £150. And, of course, all of Gwyneth’s cook books are there – The Clean Plate, It’s All Easy, It’s All Good, Notes From My Kitchen – alongside a Smile Makers “The Millionaire” vibrator and plenty of sex books.
Gwyneth has always said the name of the Goop game, right from the start, was to create a conversation – and the clickbait that came with it generated sales. So you could argue that the haters have helped to promote her brand, which the New York Times just estimated is worth $250million, or £190million. That’s actually even more annoying than Goop.
OK, scrap all the above. Goop is great! You should totally go there and buy everything! Will that do it?