Dad jokes groan in popularity Bad gags are now big hits
NO JOKE Trump era needs a laugh
THEY are the cause of many a cringe around the dinner table – but dad jokes are officially back in fashion. It seems we need gags that are so bad they are good as light relief from the grim headlines about Donald Trump and Brexit.
So now cheesy dad jokes have their own dedicated Reddit forum, while the @Dadsaysjokes Instagram page has nearly a quarter of a million followers.
Ian Allen has written three books dedicated to the lame gags, including The Very Embarrassing Book of Dad Jokes 2: Because Your Dad Thinks he is Hilarious.
Here are some of his favourites...
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10 tickles.
Why didn’t you stop the ball?
Goalie: I thought that was what the net was for.
A Yorkshireman and his wife went self-catering to Spain. When they arrived they realised they’d forgotten to pack the gravy to go with their pie. “There’s a British couple next door,” said the man. “I’ll pop round to see if they’ve got any.” He knocked on the door and when the neighbour answered he asked, “Hast any Bisto?” “Sorry,” said the neighbour. “I don’t speak Spanish.”
How did the bald man keep his wig on?
With Airfix glue.
Patient: I’m having trouble breathing. Doctor: Don’t worry, I’ll soon stop that.
In a nest cafe
What’s invisible and makes a funny clucking noise around your house?
A poultrygeist.
What guard has 100 legs? A sentry-pede.
Why did the stupid Grand Prix driver make 25 pit stops?
He stopped once for fuel, twice for tyres and 22 times to ask for directions.
What are caterpillars afraid of? Dog-erpillars.
Billy: You’ve got a funny nose. Well, I didn’t pick it. Patient: Are these tablets addictive? Doctor: Definitely not. I’ve been taking them myself for years.
Son: What’s the point of learning a trade? There aren’t any jobs.
Dad: Yes, but at least then we’d know what work you were out of.
Patient: I can’t stop gloating all the time.
Doctor: Have this cream and don’t rub it in.
Two men who overdosed on curry powder for a dare are in hospital. Now one’s in a korma and the other’s got a dodgy tikka. that puddle in your new trousers? Jimmy: I didn’t have time to take them off.
Customer: A pint of bitter and a packet of helicopter crisps please. Barman: I’m sorry we only have plane crisps.
What’s yellow and sneezes? A banana with a cold.
Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?
He was trying to grow mashed potatoes.
What happened to the man with five legs?
His trousers fit him like a glove.
History teacher: Who knows what you have to be to have a State funeral?
Bobby: Dead, Sir.
Patient: Doctor, I think I’m a clock. Doctor: Are you winding me up?
Mum: Our kids do brighten up the home, don’t they?
Dad: Well, they certainly never turn any flippin’ lights off!
What do you give citrus fruit when it is poorly?
Lemon aid.
Judge: I’m very disappointed. You were up before me two years ago for stealing a pair of shoes and now you are here again on the same offence.
Defendant: You’re right, your honour. They don’t make shoes like they used to.
Billy: My mum and dad bought me these rollerblades from Poundland.
Bobby: Cheapskates.
The phantomime
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
What can a whole onion do that half an onion can’t?
Look round.
Teacher: I thought I told you to stand at the end of the line. Johnny: I tried but there was already somebody there.
What’s purple, 5,000 miles long and full of pips?
The grape wall of China.
What does the Queen call her Christmas broadcast?
The One Show.
Mum: Jimmy, why did you fall in
Wife: I’ve just been to the beauty parlour. Husband: Was it shut? Who killed Dracula with a sausage roll? Buffet the Vampire-slayer
Sheila: My husband has a great personality.
Joyce: Yes, mine’s ugly too.
Do zombies like being dead? Of corpse they do.
Vicar: I always say a prayer before meals, Horace.
Horace: It sounds like your wife’s cooking is as bad as mine, vicar.
How much energy does it take to electrocute? One killer-watt
Where do birds meet for coffee?
Underlay, underlay!
Where do ghosts go for a night out at Christmas?
Have you heard about the new Divorced Barbie?
It comes with all Ken’s stuff.
Where does a sick ship go?
To the dock.
What did the policeman say when he cut himself shaving?