HE NEEDS HELP FOR MENTAL SCARS

Dear Coleen

My partner has rarely had a job over the past couple of years and my family, whom he hates, has put food on our table and our kids through school. To top it off, he’s been hanging around on porn and sex chat sites and friending women on Facebook.

If I dare say anything he becomes aggressive and tells me I’m paranoid, threatening me with getting custody of our two boys.

I know that he had a very rough and weird childhood that left deep psychological scars, but he refuses to get any kind of help, as he says nothing is wrong. He always plays the victim and never admits to being in the wrong.

He keeps saying he loves me and he’ll never leave me but I’ve had it. He needs to see an expert, so how can I get him to admit it?

Coleen says

It sounds as if he’d definitely benefit from seeing a psychotherapist to deal with the trauma of his childhood. How do you convince someone to get help? It’s tough.

You can remind him of the importance of your relationship and the wellbeing of the kids – does he want to preserve your family? As regards therapy, it will be hard dragging up the past and it’s likely to feel more painful before it feels better, but you can also talk about the positives that could come out of it and offer to help him find a therapist.

Right now, you’re still there, being his dutiful partner, taking all this anger. So you have to make it clear, as calmly as you can, that the relationship is not going to last because you’re not an expert and you can’t take it on. Threatening you with the boys is an empty threat – he’s saying it because he’s desperate.

Naturally, he doesn’t want to examine his painful past but it’s still ruining his life now and psychotherapy can help. If he won’t consider it, then you have prioritise yourself and your kids.