How do I cope now lover has gone back to his wife?

Dear Coleen

My boyfriend and I were together for 18 months and in love. I was in the process of getting out of an abusive relationship and he was married. His wife left him after she found out about us.

After we moved in together there were a few arguments as we didn’t meet each other’s expectations, I guess. But we decided to work on things and he was slowly opening up to me – he even talked about us marrying next year after his divorce.

Then he dropped the bombshell that he no longer feels the same way about me and is “emotionally disconnected”. His father found out about his affair with me and I think it made him feel very guilty about what he did and he broke up with me over the phone.

However, he agreed to see me in person and when we met, before I had a chance to speak, he told me he’d decided to go back to his wife, as he’d promised his father.

He had tears in his eyes when he left, and told me he still loves me and feels terrible about hurting me. We’ve had no contact for a couple of weeks as he said we can’t be friends.

I have used this time on my own to address my personal insecurities – I was always terrified of losing him – and have been working on selfimprovement.

I really love him and want him back in my life – what do you think?

Coleen says

I think the circumstances in which you got together were never going to be a good foundation for a partnership – you coming out of an abusive relationship (which probably accounts for your insecurities) and him still being married and cheating on his wife with you. It all sounds like a big, complicated mess.

Affairs very rarely result in a happy, lasting relationship. An affair is often a symptom something isn’t right in a person’s relationship – it’s an escape, a thrill, it’s sexually exciting, but it’s also a fantasy.

People often find that when the affair is out in the open and real life kicks in with all its responsibilities – kids, work, bills, domesticity – it’s just not the same.

You admit you had certain expectations of each other that weren’t met when you moved in together. He’s made the decision to focus on his marriage and try to make it work, so I think you have to accept that and let him get on with it. He knows he can’t do that if you stay in touch.

Perhaps he’ll realise it is over with his wife and will want to try again with you, but he has to end his marriage first. For now, pay attention to yourself. It sounds as if you left your previous partner without dealing with the fallout.

His father made him feel guilty about our affair