Hope uaready for years of confusion
LET’S clear this up once and for all: this calendar month is called January.
Better? Good. I can see why you were confused, because so far, it’s been referred to as almost everything but that.
If you’re not doing Veganuary – eating vegan this month – or Januhairy – letting your body hair grow wild – it may be giving you Janxiety – where you feel anxious, in January. It’s pretty Jannoying.
You probably think that we’re at peak portmanteau fads to try in the first four weeks of the year.
We’re not. Soz. There are still quite a few tricks that have been missed...
I’m sure in years to come we’ll be trying: Fryingpanuary Bucking the norm, and not starting eating healthily until February. Naanuary Only eating Indian bread. Jantiques Hanging out with old people. PeterPanuary Being really immature all month.
Janniston Only watching movies starring Jennifer Aniston. Jangry Being cross.
Januberry Only watching programmes starring/eating food made from recipes by Mary Berry. Januscary Celebrating Halloween this month instead of October.
Januvery Having more of everything. Januferry Spending the month going to The Isle of Wight and back. Geneuary Tracing your family tree. Janerous Giving your Christmas presents to charity shops. Janutomandjerry Only watching cartoons.
Janugeri Only listening to the music of Geri Halliwell. J anti disestablishment arianism The school nativity really got to you this year.
Januwary Being sceptical about everything.
Ginuary The opposite of Dry January. Janudairy The opposite of Veganuary.
Granuary Only eating brown bread. Batmanuary Either rescuing people or making friends with someone called Robin.
Deadpanuary Not reacting to anything that happens. Tarzanuary Relocating to the jungle. Janagram Doing word puzzles all month. Parmesanuary Only eating things that have been covered in Italian cheese. Par li amen tar ia nu ary Becoming an MP. Janalyst Trying to work out what everything means. Beginuary Starting loads of things you’ll never finish, aka make New Year’s resolutions. Villainuary Warning: Watch out for people doing Batmanuary. Pedestrianuary Walking everywhere, even if it makes you hours late. Humanuary Blanking all animals.
Japanuary Emigrating to the Far East.
Cardiganuary Only wearing knitwear that buttons up. Antipodeanuary
Getting an Australian roomate.
Caesareanuary Only having your baby via the sunroof.
Dystopianuary Imagining you’re in a place where everything is awful, ie just having a normal January.
Civilianuary Not being famous. Lesbianuary Only watching, reading and listening to the work of Ellen Degeneres, Sue Perkins and Clare Balding. Tartanuary Only wearing plaid (head to toe, underwear inclusive)
Cavemanuary Only watching the first four channels on your TV.
Cancanuary Doing high kicks all month.
Pecanuary Either going or just eating nuts.