LONG-TERM LOVE WON’T COMMIT

Dear Coleen

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for eight years, but I’ve never met her best friend. The one time she came round, I was bundled into the kitchen.

Also, she won’t commit or let me move in and keeps putting off the conversation about marriage. She won’t put my name on any birthday or Christmas cards and I only see her family once a year on Boxing Day.

I’ve tried talking to her, but she always just brushes it off.

I don’t know what the problem is. What do I do?

Coleen says

Start putting yourself and your needs first. I’d get it if you’d been seeing each other for eight weeks but, to be brutally honest, if she’s behaving like this eight years down the line, then I suspect you’re totally wasting your time.

She’s treating you like a secret or a bit on the side – she’s not taking the relationship as seriously as you are. And clearly your expectations are very different and you need to have a frank discussion about that. It’s not good enough to keep fobbing you off. I understand that marriage might not be for her (although you still deserve a conversation about it), but not introducing you to people close to her is an insult.

She’s sending out a very clear message that she doesn’t want you to be fully part of her life and you deserve better than that.

Don’t waste another eight years going along hoping that she’ll suddenly change her attitude.

Maybe if you do say it’s not enough for you and you want out, it might wake her up to what she’s got to lose.

But you can’t carry on the way things are. This isn’t a relationship in my eyes, and I’m not surprised if you feel very used.