MUM SO BLINKERED OVER STEPDAD

Dear Coleen

My stepfather passed away recently after a long illness. As harsh as it sounds, I can’t say I’m heartbroken he’s not around any more. When he first married my mum and my brother and I were young, he was horrible.

It was clear he’d rather us kids were out of the way and made no effort with us. All he did was shout and rant, and my mum never supported us as she was always trying to keep the peace and smooth things over.

He was never physically abusive, he just wasn’t a very nice man and he was a total failure as a stepfather. It’s no surprise we left home as soon as we could and never looked back.

My stepdad did mellow with age and became more thoughtful and considerate, but since he’s gone my mum has made him out to be some kind of saint. I could barely listen to all the sycophantic rubbish that was said at his funeral.

It wasn’t who he was so why can’t she acknowledge that he was a bad-tempered piece of work when we were young?

Coleen says

Because that’s what happens when people die – they’re put on a pedestal and we reminisce about the good times and brush over the less palatable bits of their character. It’s to do with grief and processing the loss.

Right now, when her grief is raw, your mum doesn’t want to acknowledge the bad bits, but it’s perhaps something you can talk to her about in time.

I get the impression you think your mum let you down by not sticking up for you more or having more say in how things were done at home, and that her loyalties lay with her husband.

Now he’s gone, it does give you and your brother an opportunity to talk about it, but choose your moment wisely so you don’t upset your mum.