It’s a Cracker
Groanful gags to lift the spirits
CABBAGES for wrong answers and pencils for losers can mean only one thing: Crackerjack!
The return of the Friday teatime children’s classic after 35 years is a timely reminder – the old ones on telly are still the best. is in her 20s and from London ■ How can you tell you’re eating a Brexit Christmas dinner? No Brussels or Turkey and we no longer have a seat at the table.
■ My friends keep trying to set me up, but I spend a lot of time at parties hiding behind plants as I’m socially orchid.
■ I bought a DC kitchen set recently. It contains a Bat-pan, Super-pan, Aqua-pan and a Wonder Woo-pan; but they were just a Flash in the pan. @Adelecliff 24, is Lancashire born, but now living in London and works for a film production company. ■ One man sells rotten fruit. The other sells rotten vegetables. But who, is truly, the grocer?
■ It all ended very quickly for my last husband. What a shotgun wedding that was. Which is ironic, given that I used a rifle.
■ Roman numerals going out of fashion? Not on my watch.
■ I could really do with a bigger salary. (Handed celery) Ah, thanks. I could only afford a tiny one…
■ You say alopecia, I say I’ll-apiece-you-together-a-hair-piece.
@EleanorColville 40, a comedian and teacher from Cornwall.
■ I’m a very meticulous amputee, I like to get my prosthetic to always fit properly. Yesterday I was out jogging and my leg came loose. I was kicking myself.
■ It’s hard doing jokes about losing my leg. It only happened four years ago… so I’m still finding my feet.
■ I’m soooo gangster. The other day this American rapper annoyed me so I stole his hat and put it on a donkey. Yeah, I popped an ass in his cap. @colinleggo
ROBERT THOMAS,
46, from London, is IT manager at a debt-relief charity.
■ Seaweed is really good for you. If you’re ever in trouble, sea kelp.
■ I love Stormzy’s song Blinded By Your Grace, about the Archbishop of Canterbury failing to dip his headlights. THE Brexit saga rumbles on, the winter weather is dismal… what we desperately need is a bit of light-hearted fun. Luckily for us, the sixth annual UK Pun Championships took place at the Leicester Comedy Festival last night. Hosted by comic Jason Byrne, the annual show follows the format of a rap battle and takes ■ IKEA now has a lingerie department. The opening ceremony took place in front of an assembled thong.
■ In the bedroom my wife likes to throw clay at me. She’s Playdough masochistic.
■ In Iceland they have a shop that sells tepid food called Britain. @roblavs place in a boxing ring surrounded by the audience, who wait for a verbal knockout blow.
So, groans at the ready, here are the best, and worst, of the finalists’ excruciatingly clever wordplays. ■ For further information, visit www.comedy-festival.co.uk. Ticket inquiries: 0116 456 6812. Twitter: @LeicsComedyFest. 33, from Devon. He works as a full-time graphic designer.
■ When I was young, I was adopted by a man called Daz, so I grew up referring to him as my non-biological father.
■ When I split up with my girlfriend, she kept all my Kevin Bacon films and small French cakes. But on a plus 41, entertainer from Stirling, Scotland, now in Northants.
■ Can anyone remind me how to use WD-40? I’m a bit rusty.
■ Managed to swallow the entire DVD boxset of James Bond, then I got the Living Daylights kicked out of me.
■ I put my hair in a bun yesterday. It tasted horrible.
■ My stomach gets upset and criticises me every time I enter a talent contest. Must be Irritable Cowell Syndrome.
■ Decided to clean my house with a dalmation. Now it’s spotless. @SteveJuggler 38, is an event manager, living in London. He also writes social media for Have I Got News For You.
■ I bought my girlfriend some slinky underwear, now she keeps falling down the stairs.
■ Onion rings, I didn’t answer though.
■ I know a baker who uses a gardening tool. He’s raking in the dough.
■ Why does Donald Trump continuously dress the Christmas tree? Because people kept saying moron to him. @rwoolfordcomedy 31, filmmaker based in London
■ I tried doing comedy to Peter
Pan and the Lost
Boys. But my jokes never land.
■ Why is Moe always saying he wants to kill the young Simpson boy? Because he’s a Bart-ender. ■ I’ve been using the following chat-up line on Tinder: “Hey girl, have you ever taken out a loan? Because I’m alone.”
■ Einstein’s girlfriend said: “I just need two things from you, time and space.” He replied: “Yeah, and what’s the second thing?” @Musicjoe11
side, I am now Footloose and fancy free.
■ I once bought my wife a bucket with a rope attached for her birthday…That went down well.
■ Sad news. My obese parrot died today. It is, however, a huge weight off my shoulders. @whoelsebutalf