I’m so worried about my daughter’s marital mess

Dear Coleen

Nearly a year ago, my daughter’s husband walked out, leaving her to cope with a three-year-old and sixmonth-old twins. She was devastated and heartbroken, and her three-year-old was very confused and upset.

We rallied round and managed, and she went back to work full time.

My son-in-law has never given my daughter an adequate explanation and she feels unable to move on due to this.

He has refused both marriage counselling and mediation.

My daughter thinks he has mental health issues as this is not the first time he’s left her in the lurch. She says he doesn’t cope well under pressure (or with responsibility it seems).

When the problems first started he did go to a counsellor, but apparently during a session something cropped up and he refused to go back.

To make matters worse, he drinks a lot, uses cocaine and is getting into debt. My daughter goes out when she doesn’t have the children and gets as drunk as possible and stays out late.

My daughter has served her husband with divorce papers, but he hasn’t signed them and says he doesn’t want a divorce and misses his family.

I feel like banging their heads together and telling them to grow up. They’re both selfish and lack maturity.

I should point out my son-in-law does pay child maintenance and has the kids every other weekend. He also helps out with extra childcare when asked. My question is, should I tell them my concerns or stay out of it?

Coleen says

I think you can carry on supporting your daughter, but I also think they have to figure it out themselves.

There are some positives here – your daughter is coping well in lots of ways and has got a full-time job. OK, she’s going out and getting drunk, but quite a lot of mums do that. It’s one of the ways she’s dealing with the stress, so I wouldn’t necessarily hold that against her, and it may decrease over time.

Your son-in-law is also seeing his kids and is providing financially, too.

It sounds like he has big issues, in particular something from his past he doesn’t want to face.

The thing about therapy is, you have to face the difficult stuff before you can learn to cope and move on, and it seems he’s not ready.

Also, it can take a very long time in therapy to make progress.

Your daughter can ask her solicitor to send another letter, requesting he signs the divorce papers. Alternatively, once they’ve been separated for two years, it’s classed as legal separation and that makes divorce easier.

However, she might have to accept she’ll never really know why he left and also that he might not change. There’s a pattern here of him walking out on her and walking out on counselling.

I think she’s doing the right things – starting the ball rolling on divorce and getting on with work and her social life. And, if things carry on the way they are, she might realise that life is actually OK and she’s managing.

He left but won’t sign the divorce papers for her