It’s simples. Never say stuff like this
ALTHOUGH I’m violently opposed to everything she is, stands for and does, recently I’d started to feel a bit sorry for Theresa May.
Just on a very basic level, as a human being, because her life looks so miserable. That’s all over now, though.
One word was all it took for her to extinguish every spark of empathy and compassion... you know what I’m going to say, of course. Simples. Shudder. It wasn’t just that she used a catchphrase from 1820, and at such an inappropriate moment.
It was the weasely triumph in her voice as she delivered it. I am being SO COOL, she very clearly thought. It was, even for her, a staggering new low.
Nothing could make it worse, or more embarrassing.
Then it got worse, and more embarrassing.
Because it turns out Theresa was merely the stooge - a puppet for an aide who had made a bet.
The aide won tea at The Ritz, and I’m sure we’re united as a nation in hoping she’ll be really careful it doesn’t choke her.
The only shred of positivity we can take from this episode is that at least no one will ever use the word Simples again. Let’s not underestimate the blessed relief of that.
There are a few other awful words and phrases that could go the same way, while we’re at it. Verbal deal-breakers.
The things that come out of someone’s mouth and instantly let you know exactly the kind of person you’re dealing with, and that you shouldn’t be. Like...
Holibobs. Fingers crossed it’s a one-way ticket.
Anyhoo. Only said by the extremely brave, because obviously they are taking their lives in their hands.
Hence why/ A tad bit/
Personally, for me. You are saying the same thing twice, two times.
Devil’s avocado. You know that ethical dilemma about whether you would kill baby Hitler? That, but with the first person ever to utter this phrase.
Saying generally when you mean
genuinely. Everyone in TOWIE does it. To be clear: this is not an endorsement. Pacific instead of specific. See above. Anything Peter Kay has ever said. Garlic bread, big light, booked it, packed it, f***ed off. If you’re ever tempted to say any of these things ask yourself one question: Are you Peter Kay? If no – no. Kiddies/littles/littlies/sproglets/minis. Let’s be honest - using any other terms apart from children or kids makes you sound a bit allegedly Michael Jackson. Chillax. Another thing David Cameron ruined, that we can be slightly less cross about than Brexit, because it was awful anyway... but still a bit cross about because David Cameron is just the worst and deserves all anger. Not being funny but... Correct, you’re being rude. Hubster/wifelet. Grounds for divorce.
Dot com/hashtag. Pertinent information that will hopefully help: you are not a computer. #Stopit.com
Wine o’clock. It’s 5pm somewhere, eh, David Brent?
Famalam. No, they’re your family... or they were, before they left you for calling them that.
I’m not going to lie. Oh really? That’s such a shame! I much prefer interacting with people who are talking utter b ***** s.
Adult headache. No, it’s a hangover. YOU are an adult headache. Bants. What Theresa May has – simples.
Going on your holibobs? Fingers crossed it’s a one-way ticket