Upset my friend has cut me off over a petty row

Dear Coleen

My friend and I have known each other for over 25 years and I feel so upset and hurt she no longer speaks to me.

On the last two occasions I visited her – she lives about 80 miles away – she had plug-in air fresheners and diffusers installed in her house.

On the second to last visit, I had to go home early as the fumes were badly affecting my asthma. I expressed my concerns to her, as she has had lung cancer and I don’t want her to be exposed to anything in the air, but she didn’t listen to me. I went home and that was that.

I went to visit her again at Christmas and noticed she had even more of these air fresheners in her flat, which started me coughing. I stayed the night, but it was torture. I told her the next morning I had to go home as my breathing was bad. There was no remorse and she just said it didn’t affect her at all.

I’ve tried to call her, but she never picks up and her text replies are curt as if I’m bothering her. I have always been there for her and I helped her move home twice, but I don’t know what else I can do.

I feel she’s angry with me and I’m starting to think it’s my fault our friendship has gone downhill.

I’m only saying these things for the good of her own health and mine too.

Coleen says

Well, I have a friend with asthma and I know she’s affected by plug-in air fresheners too, so I know you’re not being a drama queen.

That said, your friend has been ill and I think that’s part of why she’s angry – she’s annoyed about what’s happened to her. I can imagine her thinking, “Don’t talk to me about asthma, I’ve had lung cancer”.

I remember trying to tell my sister, Bernie, when she was suffering from breast cancer that she shouldn’t eat this and that, and a few times she snapped at me, and I realised she didn’t want me to lecture her because she was the one who was ill.

Try calling instead of texting as texts can easily be misinterpreted. And just explain you didn’t mean to offend her, but that it affects your breathing. It’s such a shame to fall out over plug-in air fresheners and maybe that’s what you need to say to her!

Unplug them for a few hours the next time you go over or get outside for a walk or a coffee, and you don’t have to stay the night. And when you are talking about it, don’t make her illness the issue.

Sometimes people who are very ill just want to have days when they don’t think about it. Be sensitive to that and take your lead from how she’s feeling on the day.

Fallen out after 25 years over air fresheners!