I’m married but I’ve got feelings for divorced dad
Dear Coleen
I’m 40 and married with two young children, but my marriage hasn’t been good for several years. To complicate things, there’s another guy who I’ve known for some time and I absolutely adore him.
Nothing sexual has ever happened between us – we’re just friends and met initially through school as our kids were in the same class – but whenever I see him, he just lights up my whole world.
He has no idea I have these feelings for him, though. He’s been divorced for a few years and his kids no longer go to our school.
Last week, I bumped into him on a dog walk and we went for a coffee afterwards, and he dropped the bombshell that he’d been dating someone.
I was totally shocked and wanted to burst into tears there and then, but I managed to keep it together. I made an excuse to leave and I haven’t seen him since. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. I want to tell him how I feel, but I’m married and it just all seems so complicated.
Should I say something or just put it behind me and try to move on?
Coleen says
I think you know what you should do, but you’re avoiding it – and that’s to sort out your marriage, one way or the other. This other guy is a romantic distraction and it’s easier to focus on him and get lost in possibilities than to face up to what’s going on at home and perhaps making some tough decisions.
You don’t say what the issues are in your marriage but, before throwing in the towel, it could be worth having relationship therapy to work out if you can move on or not. Maybe you’re just in a rut and need to shake yourselves out of it. If your husband doesn’t know how you feel, then you need to open the discussion.
Sometimes you have to work at making things exciting and romantic again, especially if you’ve been together a while and have the stress of looking after young kids and holding down demanding jobs.
As for the other guy, even if he did have feelings for you, he knows you’re married with a family and, if he’s a decent guy, he wouldn’t want to be responsible for breaking that up. He’s been there and he knows it’s painful.
Whenever I see him he lights up my whole world