My first love is back and I’m so tempted to stray

Dear Coleen

I’m very confused and having a hard time walking the line of what is right and wrong for me in terms of my marriage. I have been with my husband since I was 18 (I’m now 33) and we have one child together.

However, I’m still deeply in love with my ex, who I dated for two years before meeting my husband.

He disappeared off the scene for a while and recently came back into the picture. Since then he’s been texting and calling me, and I can’t resist the urge to respond. It’s making all those old feelings I had for him resurface. He was my first everything and our separation wasn’t our choice.

I love my husband and the life we have, but our relationship has been rocky. I feel that most of the time we are just really good friends.

He is a good man and I know I can always count on him, but the sexual chemistry isn’t there any more.

We have tried numerous times to fix this, but we seem to always end up at square one. I am just not sure what to do. I want to see my ex to see if the connection is truly still there or if it’s just nostalgia, but I also don’t want to hurt my husband and daughter, and have to change their lives.

Will these feelings pass?

Coleen says

I think these feelings would have a better chance of passing if you weren’t in touch with your ex.

So if you genuinely want to work out if you can save your marriage, then you have to cut contact with the ex.

I think you are romanticising this guy because your marriage has been rocky and he’s waltzed back into your life offering something different – something exciting.

But he’s not going to be the same guy he was when you were 16. Let’s be honest, you were just a kid when you were together and you will both have changed over the years.

I’d say most of us hold a special torch for our first true love – they’re the one we fall hardest for and they’re the toughest to get over.

You’ve told me you love your husband and he’s a great guy, so maybe you’ve just got into a relationship rut that you need help to get out of.

You don’t say how you’ve tried to fix things, but relationship counselling or psychosexual therapy might help.

It is possible to get the sexual side of your relationship back if you both want it and if you still love each other.

But you have to rebuild intimacy between you and you can’t do it with this ex hanging around.

I don’t want to hurt my husband and daughter