FALLEN OUT WITH MUM FRIEND

Dear Coleen

A good friend of mine had been going through a messy divorce and she hasn’t been coping well.

Our kids go to the same school and it’s been noted that her son frequently turns up at school with dirty, smelly clothes and without the things he needs, which is heartbreaking.

Last week, I called her and offered to do the kids’ laundry to help out and she went a bit nuts, shouting at me that I was “just as bad as the rest of the mums” and that I shouldn’t be gossiping about her. I didn’t get the chance to explain or apologise before she hung up.

I feel terrible that my good intentions have backfired. Do you have any advice?

Coleen says

Your friend is struggling to keep it all together and your offer, however well-intentioned, probably felt like a criticism.

In her current state of mind it might have felt like an attack on her abilities as a parent, so as well as feeling like a failure when it comes to marriage, she’s also feeling like she’s not a good mum either. I think that’s the context.

I think all you can do, perhaps via email if she won’t take your call, is to apologise if you offended her and explain that you know she’s a brilliant mum, but you just want to help if you can, as you know she’s going through a tough time.

Why not put the ball in her court and ask her to let you know if there’s anything you can do – whether it’s play dates or school pick-ups – anything that might lessen her load a bit.

She’s feeling hurt and stressed, but I’m sure once she’s thought about it, she’ll calm down. It may also be worth explaining to other mums how tough it is so they’re a bit more understanding.