Dear Coleen

I RESENT HIM DOING THE CHILDCARE

I have been married for six years and I work full time while my husband stays at home with our two young children. We didn’t plan for things to work out that way – he was out of work when our first came along and never went back.

He’s never made much of an attempt to get another job and at home does the bare minimum – he looks after the kids, but the house is a state and we constantly argue over it.

Naturally, I pay for everything, which I resent, and I also resent the fact I had to return to work just months after our first was born. I feel I have missed out on being at home with my children for any length of time.

When we got together he was such a different guy, but I can hardly remember what I saw in him. I’ve attempted to have sensible discussions with him, but he’s always so defensive and just throws it back at me that he’s the one taking care of our children.

Have you any advice?

Coleen says

It seems as if your relationship is in gridlock and you both sound very unhappy. There’s a lot of resentment between you, so you’ve lost the ability to communicate properly.

However, before you head for the divorce courts, I’d suggest relationship therapy to see if it helps to unblock the communication. It’s an opportunity to listen to each other and also be heard.

Maybe his self-esteem and confidence have been affected by being out of work for so long, and he feels ill-equipped to launch back into that world.

Therapy could help you find out whether there’s something there you can work on to save the marriage or, alternatively, it could also help you to move on.