HE WAS CHEATING ON ME ONLINE

Dear Coleen

Recently I found out that my husband had been having an online ‘affair’ with a co-worker.

According to him it’s all over, however, he still sees this woman at work every day and they still communicate about work things.

I don’t know what to do in this situation because he has to do his job, but it’s making me miserable. I don’t know whether I can trust him or not after he’s deceived me like this. Please advise.

Coleen says

Writing this column over the past few years, I’ve seen a huge rise in the number of online ‘affairs’ and, for some reason, people who engage in them don’t see them as cheating because there’s a computer or a device separating them from the other person. But it’s still a betrayal, even if nothing has happened physically. And often online flirting leads to a fullblown affair.

I understand why you feel insecure and unsure whether or not you can trust him, and I think it’s up to him to work hard to rebuild the trust.

He can’t just brush it off like it means nothing – there are reasons why he chose to engage in it and you have to talk about those reasons. It’s a symptom that something isn’t working in your marriage.

If you can’t work through it together, then look at the option of talking about it in therapy.

In terms of practicalities, he should be transparent when it comes to his online accounts – if he has nothing to hide, it shouldn’t matter if you can get access to them. He needs to prove he’s being honest and that you can trust him going forward.

I don’t know what he can do about the job situation – it’s not so easy to get another job or move to another department, and you can’t make this woman disappear. But he needs to know that if he wants to stay married to you, then any repeat of his online behaviour isn’t OK.