My jealousy’s threatening to wreck our relationship

Dear Coleen

I’m 28 and have been with my boyfriend for four years. We live together and I really love him, but my jealousy is threatening to ruin everything.

I’ve always been quite insecure in the relationship, probably because my father left when I was a child and it really affected me and destroyed my mum who never really got over it.

The problem is, my boyfriend has a really good female friend who he’s known since school and they see each other quite a lot. She has a long-term boyfriend and they got engaged last year, so the logical bit of my brain tells me there’s nothing going on, but I still can’t help feeling so jealous and having a go at him about their friendship.

It doesn’t help that she’s very pretty and also a really nice girl.

I’ve said some horrible things to him during arguments, accusing him of fancying her and sleeping with her, and telling him to leave because he’d clearly rather be with her. It’s a bit nuts as he’s never done or said anything to make me suspicious he’s having an affair.

He’s suggested I get to know her and her boyfriend better and then I’ll see there’s nothing to worry about, but I kind of feel embarrassed to do this, as I’m sure she knows how I feel. What do you think?

Coleen says

I think your boyfriend’s idea is a good one – he wants to help you feel more secure and he’s clearly committed to your relationship. You’re right, these intense feelings of jealousy are destructive, not only in terms of your relationship, but for you, too. It must be really painful to feel like this all the time.

And, yes, you do risk pushing your boyfriend away because eventually, he’ll get worn down by it and realise there’s nothing he can say to you because you’re not going to believe him.

On a deeper level, of course the trauma of your dad leaving is going to have an impact on your relationships and it’s something worth exploring in counselling.

Taking these feelings to a counsellor could really help to take the pressure off your relationship.

As for meeting up with this friend and her boyfriend, I doubt your boyfriend has gone into any detail about your jealousy but, even if she does know, you’ll get the chance to make a fresh start.

Dad left when I was a kid and it really affected me