I WANT OUT BUT WE HAVE KIDS

Dear Coleen

I’ve been married for nearly 10 years and we have two young children together.

However, for at least three years our marriage has been in trouble and we argue a lot.

He contributes nothing to family life and spends most of his time at work or in the gym. I also suspect he’s had affairs in the past, although I can’t prove it.

I fell out of love with him a while ago and we never have sex. He still wants to, but I can’t bear to be intimate when I’m so angry with him all the time.

I think what I really want to do is leave him, but every time I think about the effect on the children it stops me from doing anything.

Can you help?

Coleen says

Look, I totally get why you want to preserve things for your children – it’s your instinct as a mother. I stayed too long in my first marriage for the very same reason.

However, in the long term it really won’t benefit your kids if they’re growing up in an unhappy home with parents who don’t love each other and row all the time. It can be very damaging and affect their own future relationships.

So don’t make the children your only reason for staying.

I think you have to open up a discussion with your husband and admit how you feel, and listen to what he has to say. Sticking your head in the sand isn’t going to change any thing.

Therapy could be a way forward – it could help you either work through your issues or it could provide a pathway to navigate a separation.

But you can end the marriage and still be very good parents if you work together in the best interests of your children.