There’s no limit to my special powers
IF you’re employed as a poll taker, do you specialise in just one area? Would you get lied to constantly taking political polls, and that’s it, or might you be doing serious topics one day and, er, less so the next?
Wondering about all this because the results of a new poll have just been announced – and it shows that someone has been going up to strangers and asking them if they believe they have special powers.
Anyway, one in 10 people confirmed that yes, they did have special powers, like the ability to talk to animals (which surely anyone can do – it’s the animal answering that would be the skill – and even then, the animal’s skill, not the person’s) or reading people’s minds.
It actually says “other people’s minds”, which seems unnecessary, because if it’s not another person’s mind you’re reading it’s your own, and that’s not mindreading, it’s just thinking.
Obviously I am one of the one in 10. I am actually more than that though, because – don’t mean to boast or anything – I have loads of special powers. Prepare to be amazed.
I can...
...flush any loo.
Even really, really tricky ones with a special knack that the people who live there have taken years to master. First time, every time, baby.
...know what my husband is going to say before he says it.
And often before he knows what he’s going to say himself. This is a skill I have been honing since the day we met, and if all goes to plan, within the next year we will be able to stop speaking to each other at all except in dire emergencies. #marriagegoals
...be utterly devoted come what may.
I am fiercely loyal where it counts, to the things that are really important. TV shows. If I’m in, I’m in. For ever. Even when a show is so past its prime that I have to keep looking away from the screen because I’m embarrassed for it to have been reduced to this and don’t want to humiliate it further by making eye contact with it.
...build amazing wooden train tracks.
When my son went through his Thomas The Tank Engine phase, I was right by his side. Then we got to a point where he wasn’t allowed to touch the track until I was finished, and I’d secretly bought extra pieces without letting him know because I couldn’t fulfil my vision with the current selection. If I ever leave this newspaper, it will be because British Rail makes me an offer I can’t refuse.
...instantly let people know what I think without speaking.
You may call it complete lack of poker face, or any self-control – I call it automatic telepathic communication.
...make any recipe inedible.
Without blowing my own trumpet too much, I do this without even trying. Like some kind of culinary magician or something. I doggedly follow the instructions, with absolutely no creativity or margin of error – if 6oz of something is required that is exactly what will go in.
I do everything in the order stipulated, exactly as I am meant to. And voila! A meal – in the very loosest terms – that neither looks nor tastes anything like it was meant to.
...put a positive spin on negative aspects of my personality.
See above. And above that.
‘‘
Like a culinary magician, I can ruin any meal just by following the recipe...