Are our personalities too different to make it work?

Dear Coleen

I’m a woman in my early 30s and I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. I’d say it’s a really good relationship – we barely argue, we’re friends as well as lovers and living together has always been a breeze.

My only problem is, I’m a natural extrovert and love being out socialising and doing anything that puts me in touch with other groups of people. I love meeting new people, too.

My boyfriend on the other hand is an introvert – he loves his own company and it wouldn’t bother him if he never went to a party again. He likes going to the pub, but prefers it if it’s just the two of us or if he’s on his own with a newspaper to read.

At first this never bothered me about him, but the longer we’re together, the more I want him to be involved with my friends, plus I like dressing up and going out. I love the romance of it and I want him to be with me. It’s not like he doesn’t have friends – he has a small group of close mates – but he never pushes himself out of his comfort zone.

Is this going to become a big problem for us in the future?

Coleen says

I’d say it’s already a problem for you if you’re flagging it up. This is an area where you’re very different and, yes, it could cause problems in the future if you don’t acknowledge it and discuss it. He’s not stopping you from going out, but I get that you’d like him to come with you at least some of the time, so is it something you can compromise over?

I think this was an issue in my last marriage – we grew apart on a social level and my ex Ray’s idea of a night out was very different to mine.

However, I did bite the bullet sometimes and go partying with him until the wee small hours (even though I don’t drink), but he would never do what I loved – dinner and a movie.

So, in the last five years of marriage when the kids were grown up and independent, it became a real problem because we found we only had each other, but had little in common any more. When you have another focus in your life such as raising young children, then it’s easier to ignore these differences.

So, I’d say talk about it now. It is worth discussing to see if you can somehow meet halfway. Your relationship sounds good in every other way, but all successful relationships involve compromises.

I love to go out socialising but he stays at home