How to have a good death

Adjusting to the idea of dying

It is possible to die well and it is possible to die badly. Having been close to two of each kind of death, it became clear to me that what distinguishes dying well from dying badly is the effect on those who are left behind – partners, children, family and friends.

When someone dies well, as my uncle did, the family feels whole, complete, happy for them, unashamed. And with no regrets.

None of us wished his death had been any different, none of us wished that we had done more for him or felt there were things we wanted to say or do for him but had not.

This calm and serenity is not possible when someone dies badly, where there are unresolved conflicts, bitterness and resentment. They leave us feeling uneasy, discomforted, guilty, ashamed, angry, cheated, unfulfilled. I have no ready recipe for how we should die well but what I have noticed in those who do, and have the time, is that they put the comfort of their family and friends before selfish considerations. So they are open, accepting and generous.

They talk intimately to those who surround them, allowing deep, spiritual conversations and contact before the moment of dying. They allow “closure” with all those who love them.

They are physically open, too, hugging, kissing and holding others. The flow of love and energy is tangible all around them and it makes for such peace for everyone.

To create that peace is our responsibility as we face death.