Dear Coleen

I’D FEEL SO GUILTY IF I WENT ON HOLIDAY

I’m a regular reader of your problem page and I now have a problem of my own, which I hope you can help with.

My wife passed away suddenly aged 61 at the end of September.

I had taken early retirement to look after her as she hadn’t been in the best of health. I’m now 73 and we were together for 31 years and married for 27 of those.

After her funeral, some friends and family suggested I should try to switch off and go away for a short holiday in order to have a break. The thing is, I would feel guilty about doing that.

What do you think?

Coleen says

I’m very sorry you lost your wife and her death must have hit you very hard after 31 years together. But please don’t feel bad for taking a much-needed break – you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

You were a good husband and you took good care of her when her health was deteriorating.

I think your friends and family are right to suggest you take some time for yourself – you deserve it and you need it, and I’m certain your wife would want you to do it, too. I think guilt can be quite a common emotion following bereavement – you feel guilty for still being here, living your life and enjoying things.

And I think you feel a huge amount of loyalty to the person who’s died, and don’t want to do anything that might be viewed as dishonouring their memory.

These are natural reactions, so acknowledge them, but then allow yourself to move on.

It sounds as if you have wonderful support among your friends and loved ones, so lean on them – don’t be proud to ask for help or advice or just to have a drink or a chat.

People will take their lead from you, so let them know what you need. You can find more information and support at cruse.org.uk. I hope you get away and have a relaxing break.