Dear Coleen

SNUBBED BY MY PARENTS FOR NOT BEING MUM

I’m the youngest of three sisters and our parents promised to give us all deposits to put down on buying a place once we became parents.

My sisters both have babies – and now their own homes – but I can’t get pregnant and think it’s very unfair. I’ve been with my partner for eight years. I haven’t used contraception for much of that time, and nothing has happened. We’re about to try IVF in the new year, hoping that’ll be the answer.

I really feel my parents lack empathy and I’m starting to feel really angry that they haven’t just helped us out, regardless of the fact we haven’t had children.

What do you think and have you any suggestions?

Coleen says

Wow, that’s a lot of pressure to put on you. And the message you’re getting is if you can’t give us grandchildren, you don’t deserve this money.

I find it pretty shocking they’re putting a monetary value on their daughters’ ability to have children. For you to see your siblings being regarded in this way for having babies and rewarded financially must make you feel really sad.

But from the letters I get, it’s not that unusual for parents to pay for something for one child and not for another. As a mum of three, my motto has been: if I can’t do it for all of you, I’m not doing it for one.

I think you have to be honest with your parents about where you are on the journey to having a baby and tell them how you’re feeling.

Explain you’re about to try IVF. If they have the money to help with fertility treatment, maybe that’s an option. And, if you do get pregnant, you may have to accept you won’t have the cash to buy your own place straight away. Talk to them and make them think about your situation. Good luck.