Dear Coleen

My husband had a heart attack a couple of years ago and had life-saving surgery.

When he was on the mend, he became a complete health nut – lost weight, monitored his cholesterol and started cycling.

He was a new man and I felt really proud of him.

Now it’s been a couple of years, he’s started smoking again (not a lot, but quite regularly) and he’s stopped caring about his diet as much, although he still cycles.

I can’t understand why he would do this after being at death’s door – how can he have forgotten what we all went through?

We’ve had blazing rows over it, so now he’s taken to smoking in secret, but I can smell it on him.

What can I do?

Coleen says

Yes, it is hard to see someone who’s been so ill doing something that could put them back in that position. But I think an experience like his can sometimes provoke a ‘devil may care’ attitude – “I’m going to go anyway, so I may as well enjoy myself doing what I want!”

Giving everything up and constantly being aware of his health might be very stressful and making him unhappy, hence reaching for the . As you know, smoking is also incredibly addictive, so I’m sure that’s a factor, too, especially if he’s been a smoker most of his life.

As a smoker myself (ahem, always trying to quit!), I know the more that people nag you about it, the more you want to do it. Yes, it’s childish, but maybe you need to think about a different approach.

You can’t force him to give up, but you can remind him of the facts and remind him of his family, who want him to be around for a long time to come.

Maybe if he thinks he can talk to you about it without judgment, he’ll at least stop scurrying around in secret and you’ll be able to have a more honest dialogue about it, and talk about how you can support him with quitting.