Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my fiance for two years. We got together after coming out of long-term relationships and things progressed quickly.

We moved in together after six months and he proposed after we’d been together for a year. We’re both in our 30s and ready to commit and have a family.

However, recently, he’s been having a real problem with my ex. He thinks I’m not over him and it’s caused a few arguments.

The reason he thinks this is because my ex and I have been texting – it’s nothing inappropriate, just checking in with each other and chatting as friends.

My ex got in touch at first to apologise about the way he had behaved – he broke things off when he met someone else and I was heartbroken.

He’s still with that woman and obviously I’ve moved on, too.

I’ve tried to explain to my partner that we’re all adults and there’s nothing to get jealous about. I have no intention of going back to my ex and it’s not what he wants either. I think my fiance is being really immature and needy, and I’m getting a bit tried of it.

I can see him staring at me when I’m on my phone and I know he’s always looking at my social media although I have nothing to hide.

How can I get him to trust me?

Coleen says

This is a tricky one. I always think that if being in touch with an ex is upsetting your current partner, then you need to respect those feelings and shut it down. However, I think your partner is obviously a bit insecure about your relationship and your feelings for your ex, so I wonder why that is?

Maybe it’s because he knows your ex left you and you were heartbroken, and he might be worried that you weren’t over it when you met him.

Instead of arguing and becoming defensive, try to explain to him that your ex got in touch initially to apologise for his behaviour and that he’s still happily with his partner.

Explain that trust is important if your relationship is to survive, and that you don’t like the feeling of being controlled or being watched every time you pick up your phone.

And talk to him about why he’s feeling insecure – is it just these messages or is he being driven by something deeper?

However, I think for your own benefit, you need to stop regularly messaging your ex because it might make it harder for you to move on with your fiance and allow that relationship to grow.

And don’t get married until you have these issues ironed out.

I can see him staring at me when I’m on my phone