Time to Mask our Brexit differences
BRITAIN could not be more 2020, in that it is currently transitioning.
Post-Brexit, the general consensus, the sensible option – the only option – is that we need to come back together as a country.
The slight hitch? Nobody wants to. On the bright side, at least that’s one thing on which we can all agree.
The problem here is not just that the two sides have opposing opinions – although, in case anyone’s in any doubt, they, like, totally do – it’s that your opinion now entirely defines you as a human being.
And it’s not like that’s even anything new, if we’re honest.
Leave v Remain is merely the latest issue fracturing Britain, added to a list that includes old v young, rich v poor, North v South, male v female, Corbynista v Blairite, and – the most important one - cat v dog. So what now?
An extreme answer would be – to accidentally quote someone stomach-churning – to build a wall. Right down the almost middle of the country, dividing it up 52% to 48. Like the Berlin Wall, but I think that name’s already taken. The Great Barrier Grief? Bricks It? Anyway, then everyone ups and leaves their life, their job, and in some cases members of their family, and moves to where they belong, with the people who think what they think.
Living in a bubble is always levelled as a criticism, but it sounds pretty good at this point. There is a chance this might not be an entirely realistic, practical solution though. So to Plan B. Desperate times call for... creative measures. So rather than being influenced by Donald Trump, we could take inspiration from an equally highbrow source - ITV’s The Masked Singer.
We start all over again. But from now on, politicians have to wear elaborate, aesthetically pleasing costumes, so we can’t see who they are, or what they look like.
Then we can only judge them on what they say. We won’t be able to tell which one we’re rooting for just because we’ve always rooted for them.
We’ll have to make informed decisions based on - mad as it sounds - reasoned arguments.
But maybe we need to think bigger actually, to address our other troubles, too. Perhaps every single person in the country needs to wear a Masked Singer costume, to ensure equality and fairness.
Then it will be impossible to discriminate because of age, sex, race, education, class or political leaning. No faces, just face value.
We probably need to go further still. To reduce the possibility of conflict, everyone better have exactly the same costume. If not, a debate will inevitably start about whether a furry blue monster is better than a giant purple octopus, and then we’ll be accusing each other of being “costumist”, and we’re back to square one.
A national costume then, definitely. Will be tricky to decide which one it should be though...
I know! Let’s have a referendum!
If we all wore Masked Singer outfits it would be impossible to discriminate