Dear Coleen

I LOVE MY WIFE BUT ALSO FANCY A PAL OF HERS

I’m a man in my late 30s and very happily married to a fantastic woman, who I adore. However, I’m confused because I get on very well with one of her friends and I find myself thinking about her a lot.

When we see each other at social events, I just light up and so does she. We click as people and I keep thinking that if I wasn’t with my wife, this woman and I would be a perfect match.

She is also married with children and I’m not suggesting for a minute that anything is going to happen between us, but the whole thing just makes me uneasy and confused. Any ideas?

Coleen says

I think we can mistake getting on with someone really well and having loads in common as a romantic feeling. You see each other socially, everyone’s happy, having a drink and enjoying themselves, and it’s a safe space to connect and even have some flirtatious banter.

I think being out of reach means you know you can enjoy this friendship and in some ways it makes it even more attractive, but you have to think about what it would be like in reality – in the middle of two broken families.

It’s normal to feel attracted to other people, even if you’re in a happy relationship, so I wouldn’t overthink it. You say you adore your wife and you’re happy – that’s great. But, also, if you think these feelings might be to do with something missing in your marriage, then work on that before making decisions you’ll regret.

In both my marriages I met guys I thought were attractive and thought, “Wow, if I wasn’t married...” but it doesn’t mean they would have worked out.