Double baby duties for you

FIRSTLY, congratulations on your pregnancy. It’s the best news to come out of No10 in a long while. Well done, too, for keeping it quiet for so long – even when a well-timed announcement might have defused a few ticking political bombs. You’re clearly a strong woman. Having navigated a complicated relationship with a married Prime Minister and survived the fallout of a row so intense that neighbours called the police, it seems you can handle whatever this surprising relationship throws at you.

And as a principled climate campaigner, you’re used to speaking truth to power, yelling to make your voice heard, and refusing to back down. These are all highly transferable skills now you’re co-parenting with Boris.

Because while the PM has certainly proved he can win an election, he’s rather vague on other topics such as how many children he already has, and where they might be. Still, there will be no such confusion with this one – he or she will be in the Downing Street nursery, attempting to eat Dilyn’s ears, or play with red boxes.

You’ll have your work cut out – oh, not with the baby, no doubt there’ll be plenty of nannies and special briefing visits from Funny Uncle Cummings to help with the little one. The tricky part will be managing Boris.

Let’s face it, he’s not used to sharing the spotlight and will almost certainly expect you to appear fully made-up on the steps of the Lindo Wing, holding him tenderly in your arms and stroking his soft blond head.

And when it comes to play, I fear that pretending to drive a digger through toy blocks is something he’s done very recently and won’t fancy repeating soon.

Even when your baby learns to talk, Dad will be the one coming up with funny new words as he works on his speeches.

“Mugwumps!” he’ll cry, “Piffle poffle!” as little Hera or Agamemnon strives to pronounce “social services”.

While good wishes are all very well, what you’ll need most is energy – because while as far we know you’re not having twins, you’ll soon be looking after TWO very demanding babies one newborn, and one pushing 56. Yours, Flic