I need to tell cheating friend he’s making a huge mistake

Dear Coleen

I’m writing about a friend of mine as I’m very worried for both him and his wife. He left her three months ago for another woman and divorce papers have been filed, but I don’t know by whom. We live in a small town and I fear that once the affair becomes public, he’ll face terrible shame.

It’s a huge surprise to the few of us who know about his affair. His wife adores him and I feel they’ve just strayed off track and need to realise what they have got together.

I would like him to rethink what he’s done and bring this affair to an end because he couldn’t possibly love anyone more than he loves his wife.

I think he’s got wrapped up in the affair and lost sight of what he has.

How can I help him to see what he’s done is wrong?

This woman who came between them ought to leave them alone so he can remember the love he has for his wife. I would absolutely hate to see them divorced.

How can I help to bring my friends back together and save them both from hurt and shame?

Coleen says

It’s clear you’re concerned and are desperate to help because you care. But here’s the thing, their marriage can’t have been so great or it wouldn’t have been vulnerable to this affair.

The point is, we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors and sometimes the public perception of a relationship is quite different to the reality. He obviously wasn’t happy and, for all you know, his wife may not have been happy either.

Yes, he’s gone about things in the wrong way, as human beings often do, and a bit of excitement turns into a full-blown affair.

However, as a good friend, your role should be to listen. It’s dangerous to make a judgment. I don’t think he’ll listen to you if you try to tell him what he’s doing is wrong because he’s too wrapped up in the affair. Plus, he’s a grown man and it’s his life.

If it does come out and he’s shunned by friends, then I’m afraid he’ll just have to deal with it.

So I think you need to back off and accept that this is something he has to go through himself and, if it does all go wrong, be there to support him. And don’t say, “I told you so”.

His affair was a big shock to all of us who know them