Dear Coleen

I was married for 20 years to an amazing woman but, sadly, I didn’t realise how lucky I was until she asked for a divorce.

We’re both in our 40s and have been living apart since Christmas. I’ve had a lot of time to think on my own during lockdown and I’ve realised I love her, that I made huge mistakes during our marriage and I want her back.

I was an appalling husband – moody, often bad-tempered, focused on work to the exclusion of everything else, dismissive and I never took what she wanted into consideration.

She finally had enough and told me she wanted out of the marriage. Lawyers are involved and the divorce is happening.

I have tried to appeal to her, but she won’t listen – she says she felt small and bullied during the last 10 years of our marriage and she’s had enough.

She says she did try to talk to me when we were together, but I never listened and always blamed everyone else apart from looking at myself. It’s all true.

She seems to have moved on, but I want to know if you think it’s worth me continuing to appeal to her?

I’m nothing without her and wish I could go back in time and change how I behaved. I’d love your advice.

Being completely honest, it sounds over for her. Having been divorced twice myself, I know it takes an awful lot of courage to walk away from someone you’ve been with for many years.

And once you’ve reached that point and set the divorce in motion, the relief is immense and there’s usually no going back.

I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t talk to her and try to make your peace with her – it would be good if you could part on friendly terms and wish each other the best. It would be good if the divorce was as easy as possible.

But I wouldn’t pin your hopes on a reconciliation because you’ll probably be disappointed.

On the upside, you’re still young enough to start again and you can learn from what happened in your marriage, so you don’t repeat the same mistakes when you do meet someone you really like.

I don’t want to sound negative, but I don’t want to give you false hope either. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of useful self-examination in lockdown and it might be beneficial to continue that in therapy. You both have the chance for a fresh start and if I were you, I’d embrace that.

I want to stop divorce but she says she’s had enough