Dear Coleen
I’ve been married to my wife for 15 years and we’ve been together for 20 years in all, and have a wonderful son, who’s 13.
My wife has anger issues that I can’t explain – she gets mad so easily over small things. We have talked about it and she knows it’s an issue. Sometimes it’s because she’s hungry, tired or she has a headache, or the clean dishes look dirty. She’ll yell at me and my son when we ask if she’s okay, so at that point we leave her alone, then she always comes back and says she’s sorry, but I’m tired of it and she knows it.
We did separate a long time ago because I cheated and then we got back together and then she cheated. Sometimes she’ll bring it up in a jokey way, but I don’t think she really thinks it’s a laughing matter.
I don’t know what else to do – I already give her lots of time and space, but it’s not working. Talking to her about how I feel doesn’t help either. I’m just so sick of it. Can you help?
She knows she has a problem with anger, but she’s not reaching out to get any help for it.
You also had problems in your marriage and it doesn’t sound like you got help for that either, so now might be the time for counselling.
There’s obviously something deep at the root of her anger – it’s not the dirty dishes – and that’s what you have to find and work through. I think you have to confront it for the sake of your marriage and also for your son, who can’t be having a very nice time at home if his mum is shouting all the time. I imagine you’re both walking on eggshells around her.
As for joking about the cheating – I don’t think it’s a joke either. I think she probably wants to talk about it seriously, but either doesn’t know how to or is afraid that it’ll open a can of worms. But if you’ve never talked about what led to you cheating and just brushed it under the carpet and then she did a bit of revenge cheating, then those issues are still there.
It’s tough to confront these difficult emotions but, with professional help, you can get to a better place if you’re both willing to try. Good luck.
I cheated then she did... it’s no laughing matter to me