Dear Coleen

About 18 months ago, my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. She’s now in a care home in Scotland, while I live in the south of England.

I have two sisters who live near my mum and visit her regularly. I can only visit occasionally and, due to lockdown, I haven’t seen her now since the end of last year.

I feel very guilty about this. Over the past few months of course it’s been beyond my control, but I get the impression my sisters resent the fact that I live so far away. They looked after her before she was in residential care and never let me forget it.

My husband and kids keep telling me I have nothing to feel guilty for and that living so far away means I can’t be as involved with my mum’s care as they are. I know they’re right, but it doesn’t stop me feeling bad.

My sisters often fail to tell me things about my mum and her care – it’s like they’re just cutting me out.

They make snide comments when I get in touch and are quite cold towards me. I’ve gradually stopped calling them as often and feel very cut off from the family. The whole situation is making me ill. Can you advise?

I know first-hand how cruel Alzheimer’s disease is – for the family as well as the person who’s sick. My mum had the disease and my siblings and I all handled it differently. There were times when all of us felt a lot of guilt and worried we weren’t doing enough or just felt very angry about the situation.

Unlike your sisters, you don’t live nearby and that’s just a fact, which you can’t do much about unless you relocate your entire family.

Your sisters are clearly stressed too, and I’m sure that’s why they’re taking it out on you – it’s easier to have a go at you than be angry about an illness they can do nothing about.

If you’ve never actually told them how you feel, then you could try explaining how it is for you, being so far away and feeling guilty and helpless. Just because you’re not on the spot, doesn’t mean you’re not thinking about your mum or how the rest of your family is coping.

If you find it hard to talk to them, I suggest putting it in an email, so they can think about it and hopefully appreciate your side of things.

I found the Alzheimer’s Society (alzheimers.org.uk) very helpful.

I live so far away that it’s difficult to visit regularly