Dear Coleen

I’VE GROWN APART FROM OLDER LOVER

I’m a man in my 40s and live with my partner who’s in her 60s. When we got together 15 years ago things were very different

– it was passionate and, despite the age difference we had a lot in common.

She’s always been youthful at heart and looks much younger than her years, so it felt right.

However, now we’ve grown apart and grown as people and want different things. I think she’d be happy to carry on, but it’s not enough for me any more and I feel I’m wasting my life. I love her, but I’m not in love with her and we don’t have sex any more.

I want to move on, but we’ve become life partners and it feels like a big step. Can you help?

Coleen says

I don’t think you should stay in a relationship because it seems easier, secure and familiar, or out of guilt. If you keep burying your true feelings they’re bound to surface at some point – you can’t keep them locked away for ever.

I wonder if you’ve ever talked to your partner about how she feels about the relationship – maybe she has the same thoughts but doesn’t want to bring it up with you for the same reasons. I think it’s common in relationships where there’s a big age gap for things to be great for several years, but as time goes on you can find yourself struggling because you’re at very different stages of life – one of you is ready to slow down while the other still wants to get out there.

It’s sad when you still love a person but know the relationship has run its course.

It’s harder to end it when there’s no affair or anything else to blame it on.

You both deserve to be happy, so bite the bullet and have a discussion with your partner.