Long-lost daughter has gone off the idea of meeting me

Dear Coleen

I had a daughter with my ex-girlfriend 16 years ago when we were both teenagers. We were too young to be in a relationship and to be parents, and we broke up when my daughter was only a year old. My ex moved away, which I assumed was temporary at the time, and left no contact details.

For years I tried to find my daughter, but had no success, but I thought about her all the time and feel very guilty, especially now that

I’m happily married with a son, whom I adore.

A few months ago, my daughter found me through social media and we began emailing each other. My ex knew about this and wasn’t happy about it, but allowed us to communicate nonetheless.

Now lockdown has eased, I’d love to meet my daughter, but she stopped contacting me as much and just this week I got a letter from social services, saying she isn’t sure at the moment whether she wants to meet.

I don’t know whether this is a change of heart from my daughter or whether her mother has talked her out of it or if I’ve done or said something to put her off, but I’m very upset about it. I would love to get to know her and for my son and wife to meet her, too.

Can you advise?

Coleen says

There are a lot of complex and difficult emotions here, so my advice would be not to panic and take things slowly. You haven’t been part of each other’s lives for many years and you can’t expect to have an instant relationship with her. You need to get to know her all over again and I’m sure she’ll have a lot of questions she wants you to answer.

I don’t know what’s provoked this change of heart – maybe she feels nervous and vulnerable or she might even feel disloyal to her mum. Finding you again is a lot to take on board and I think it’s sensible to tread carefully.

I think you should respond to the letter saying that, naturally, you’re disappointed, but you want your daughter to know that you’re there for her and that you’d love to meet her when she feels ready.

Also, once she’s 18, she’ll be free to make her own decisions and won’t need her mum’s approval.

I think the important thing is that she got in touch and you’ve started communicating, but be careful not to pressure her or you might scare her off. Reassure her that it’s fine to take things at her own pace and you’ll take your lead from her.

Although you’re excited that she’s come back into your life, you can’t expect to go straight back into being her dad. She might be wary of trusting you in case you disappear from her life again, even if it wasn’t your choice all those years ago. You don’t know what her mum has told her about the circumstances that led to you breaking up and them moving on.

Be patient and give it time – and good luck.

I tried to find her for years, then she got in touch