Dopey Don forgets 30 times memory failed

Donald Trump has been banging on for two weeks about how he “aced” a cognitive test, claiming doctors were astonished when he completed a task that “nobody” performs successfully. On Wednesday he repeated the boast, declaring his memory to be “amazing”.

But clearly, he’s forgotten the 30 times he told investigators “I can’t recall” if his campaign team had conspired with Russia to get him elected – or that he promised to hand over his tax returns.

New York’s Robert Berger had a cunning plan to avoid jail by faking his own death.

But the bungling 25-year-old committed a fatal error when his lawyer submitted a glaring spelling mistake that made his fraud a dead giveaway.

On the fake death document “Registry” was spelled as “Regsitry”.

If convicted, Berger now faces an additional four years in jail – on top of pending sentences for possession of a stolen car and attempted grand larceny of a truck. Oh, Berger.

Professors at the University of Georgia have allowed Sam Lee, 20, to sit her economics exam again after a meatball from her sandwich fell on her keyboard and turned off the test she was sitting.

“It hit some sort of escape button and closed the entire browser,” she said. Sam must have feared she wouldn’t meat the grade…

These days you can get practically anything online, but some services are just dead stupid.

Sadly, for Michigan’s Wendy Wein, she was reportedly unable to spot that a website offering hitman services was fake.

Police swooped after she allegedly completed a “service request form” requesting her ex-husband’s murder.

State police say the agreed price was $5,000 and that Wein even offered the fake assassin “upfront payment for travel expenses” on top.

Wein now faces spending the rest of her life behind bars if convicted.

Cops in Allenhurst, Georgia, were called to what they thought was a dead body.

It wasn’t until the coroner arrived several hours later that they realised it was a sex doll.

There’s a new member of the flock at the Rose Bower Baptist Church in McComb, Mississippi – a friendly billy goat.

For reasons only known to himself, the goat has taken to hanging out on the front steps for hours. He’s since been christened “the Holy Goat”.

P.S. As the pub remains closed and he hasn’t worked in months, it is understandable why my barman Richard is down in the dumps. But this week he told me on the phone: “Dying of old age is just dying of not dying.” So uplifting.