Dear Coleen

I DON’T GET ON WITH FIANCE’S PARENTS

I’m engaged to be married next year and I couldn’t be happier about it, but there’s one thing that’s really bothering me – I don’t get on with my fiance’s parents.

I think they’re used to his girlfriends being quiet and passive, while I’m pretty forthright and say what I think, and it hasn’t gone down well.

I’m not going to change my personality because it offends them – however, I know it upsets my fiance that we don’t see eye to eye.

I argue with his dad over politics, and my fiance can’t believe I don’t just agree with everything he says. His mum is just cold and condescending, and it’s pretty clear she doesn’t like me. What can I do?

Coleen says

It’s not a given that you’ll love your partner’s parents because you love him. The truth is, many people aren’t best mates with their in-laws, but they manage to get along for the sake of family harmony.

Of course you shouldn’t change your personality, but you don’t have to go into combat every time you see them either.

If politics is a thorny subject, then stay off it and talk about what’s on the telly, the weather, your job – anything that won’t lead to a row. Sometimes it’s just better to bite your tongue.

You’re marrying your partner, not your in-laws and unless you’re going to be living with them, you won’t have to see them that often.

If you find it hard to engage with his mum, why not try to find common ground – what about giving her a role in the wedding arrangements? She will appreciate the gesture and it would show you trust her with something important to you.

Maybe she’s just a little intimidated by your confidence, and her coldness is a defence mechanism.

You can’t control how they think and behave, but you can control the way you respond to them.