Dear Coleen

HE’S FAR TOO CHUMMY WITH HIS EX-WIFE

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly two years and we live together. Everything is going really well between us, but it bothers me that he’s still so close to his ex-wife.

When they separated, they’d been together for 10 years since they were both 18.

I understand they’ve known each other a long time and that they split on good terms, but I’m not comfortable with the closeness of their friendship.

For example, she calls and messages him all the time just for a chat, and before lockdown they’d meet for lunch and occasionally a drink in the evening.

At first I was cool about it, but now I’m getting irritated and it feels as if there are three of us in my relationship! I don’t want to come across all needy, but I’m not happy.

Can you suggest anything?

Coleen says

First of all, I’m not sure they’d be so open about their friendship if anything was going on. However, if it’s making you feel insecure or even just left out, then it’s going to have an impact on your relationship.

I don’t think it’ll come across as needy if you mention that it bothers you that he’s still in touch with his ex so much.

Flip the situation and ask him how he’d feel if you were so close to an ex – try to get him to see it from your point of view.

The important thing is to talk about it and agree on some boundaries that you’re both happy with.

Because they know each other so well and still like each other, it’s like a familiar habit that’s hard to kick.

In fact, it might feel so normal to them that they haven’t even stopped to consider how it’s making you feel.