Dear Coleen

DISTRESSED BY MY DAUGHTER’S CONSTANT FURY

I’m a 79-year-old widow and, apart from a few health issues, I lead a fairly active life.

My worry is about my 43-year-old daughter, who had a stroke 13 years ago. After several months in hospital and physiotherapy, as well as help from me and great determination on her part, she has turned her life around.

However, I find she undermines me all the time – everything I say or do – and I don’t understand why.

Of course I understand how angry she is about how her life has been and I’m very sorry and, for this reason, I haven’t said anything to her. I’m afraid of upsetting her but she, in turn, doesn’t consider that her comments are upsetting to me. Any advice?

Coleen says

I’m glad your daughter is doing well now and it sounds as if you’ve been a wonderful support.

She’s been through a lot, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to talk to her honestly about how you feel. It doesn’t have to be confrontational or end up in a row if you say it in the right way. The bottom line is, it’ll really start to impact on your relationship if you don’t talk about it.

She sounds angry about what happened to her, which is understandable, so she might benefit from having some counselling to deal with those negative feelings.

Ask her how she feels and how you could help her to possibly soothe her anger.

Also, when she does undermine or upset you, point it out and stand your ground. Again, it doesn’t have to be done in an aggressive manner.

I think it’s just about asserting yourself calmly and gently, and shifting the relationship back on to a more equal footing.