WE DON’T HAVE SEX BECAUSE I GOT FAT

Dear Coleen

I’ve been married for 32 years and have two grown-up sons. My problem is, I haven’t had sex for five years after I gained a lot of weight. My husband doesn’t like fat women so, when I got big, my confidence disappeared.

I lost five stone and I’m now a size 14, yet my husband drops little comments, saying I could be a size 10 again. He’s quite slim and a lot fitter than me.

I’m also going through the menopause and he can’t understand why I’m snappy and miserable. I’ve been on HRT for six months, which has helped a bit, but physically things aren’t the same and I’m inhibited. We also sleep in separate bedrooms.

It’s been so long without sex, I feel too worried to attempt it and he just seems to accept it. We have a few things in common, but he’s always moaning and I just switch off. Without physical contact, he gets on my nerves.

Should I leave?

Coleen says

Menopause will have a big part to play in how you’re feeling emotionally and physically. And I get it because I’m going through it too. I don’t have a partner, but it’s been harder emotionally than I expected – my head’s saying I’m 30 but my body is telling me I’m ready to be put out to pasture!

It’s not going to help that he hasn’t attempted to understand what you’re going through.

Maybe he is slimmer but he doesn’t have to go through the menopause and I’m sure you’ve been too kind to remind him he’s not quite as handsome as he was 32 years ago!

You have to prioritise – what do you want? If you want to be with him and try to rebuild your relationship, then you need to start communicating again honestly before you address sex.

If you want to leave him then, yes, it’s a scary thing to do after all those years, but I divorced in my 50s when I was menopausal and now I’ve come through it, I’ve never felt happier.