FAMILY FALLOUT OVER KIDS’ BEHAVIOUR Coleen says

Dear Coleen

I have an eight-year-old daughter and my brother and sister-in-law have a nine-year-old son. The pair of them don’t get along at all, which is causing friction between the adults.

We haven’t seen each other much over the past few months, but we got together recently on a couple of occasions and it didn’t go well.

The kids ended up fighting both times, hitting, screaming and so on.

My sister-in-law lost her temper and blamed my daughter, saying she was “spoiled” and that we didn’t set her boundaries.

Our kids are both only children and her son is just as bad – if not worse – than my daughter. We haven’t met or spoken since.

What should I do?

I wonder if they’ve never got on or the arguing is just a more recent thing.

Eight and nine are tricky ages – hormones are beginning to kick in, children are asserting themselves and their personalities, and it’s often the time at school when friendships are difficult. I think you have to try to rise above it. No, you can’t make them get on, but you can both insist on respect, good manners, politeness and that the kids follow those rules or there will be consequences.

Why not speak to your brother or sister-in-law and agree on some boundaries for when you next meet up as a family?

I think it’s OK to say you were hurt by her comments, but want to move on and find a way to make things work, so you can get together as a family without this kind of stress.

I think only children do find it hard sometimes to share and to find ways to cope with situations with other kids simply because they don’t have siblings to do that stuff with and learn from. I don’t think it’s worth starting a family feud over.