He’s pleasuring himself with porn while lying next to me
Dear Coleen
I’ve been married to my husband for 37 years. It’s been a great marriage and our sex life has been good, too.
My husband has always had a high sex drive but, over the past year, I’ve noticed it’s disappearing. I’ve spoken to him about this and he’s said he needs to see his GP, which isn’t that straightforward at the moment.
However, I’ve also noticed that he gets sent a lot of porn on his phone from his mates, which isn’t a problem, as I’m not prudish. But what does concern me is that he’s taking more notice of it than he is of me – at least that’s how I see it.
When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I know he’ll go on his phone, watch a video and pleasure himself without any problems.
I’ve brought this up a few times, but he just says I’m worrying over nothing and that he still loves me – it’s just “a man’s thing”.
Do you think I’m overreacting? I’m not sleeping and it’s constantly on my mind. I love my husband so much and want to make it work.
I’d like to know your views.
Coleen says
I’m not prudish about porn either, but I think if it’s affecting your relationship then it can become a problem.
There’s lots of evidence that shows an over-reliance on porn can prevent you having a fulfilling sex life with a partner because the real thing can’t possibly match up to what’s on screen. Porn is fantasy and those people are being paid to do a job.
I don’t think it’s good enough for him to brush you off and tell you that you’re imagining things. You’re not imagining the fact that your sex life has taken a downward turn and you’re not imagining him pleasuring himself to porn videos while he’s in bed with you.
It doesn’t sound like a physical problem – he’s masturbating and enjoying sex, but you’re not a part of it.
I think you need to be honest with him that you can’t carry on being ignored – I imagine it makes you feel isolated, unwanted, unattractive and unloved. He needs to acknowledge there’s a problem and to be honest about how he feels, too.
And rather than seeing his GP, a psychosexual counsellor would be a better option, so you can address your relationship and the issues around sex.
I can’t sleep because I know he’ll go on his phone