Crash course in art of emulating PM’s grade-A twerps
HEAD prefect Gavin Williamson has delayed GCSE and A-level exams by three weeks next summer.
This will allow more time to learn new subjects in a post-pandemic curriculum.
Top of the list is a qualification in Hancockery, the art of believing the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It replaces geography and history, because you won’t need to know where you are or what happened yesterday – a vital skill if you’re supposed to be running the country.
There will be seminars in Bojoistics, the talent of confusing people with so many mixed messages they do what they like. It is only available to female students, on a one-to-one tuition basis, in discreet settings. Bring own bottle.
Advanced students can take classes in Sunakonomics, which supersedes traditional economics in favour of a novel theory allowing Professor Rishi to buy the premiership with voters’ money.
There will be a surcharge for this syllabus, payable to Number 11 Offshore Investments plc, and students are urged to sign up quickly as places are limited.
Practical Patelery may be less popular. It involves dangerous outdoor activity in the English Channel, hurling nets on the propellers of migrant boats. It is sponsored by a large firm of undertakers.
Seminars in talking Raabish have been dropped for wack of intewest.
Lastly, there is paranormal Goveology, the ability to speak out of both corners of the mouth at the same time with different – indeed, contradictory – messages.
And if you don’t believe me, just watch them next time they open their gobs.
It’s cabaret, but they don’t know it, and it keeps us laughing in the face of adversity.