Prepare yourself for a festive farce

SEEING as the Covid-19 virus doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere, and will probably still be hanging around looking for vulnerable human vessels to share its horrible cargo with well into the festive season and beyond, I’m thinking we’d better start lowering our Christmas expectations right now.

Yes folks, Xmas 2020 is going be one hell of a festive farce, resembling no other Yuletide season we’ve known and loved before. Simply having a Covid-filled Christmas-time doesn’t quite sit with children’s laughter, Santa’s ho ho ho, nor mistle toed hug and a kiss for a much-loved friend or relative does it?

The sanctimonious among us, of course, will as always be busy around,busy-bodying around, marking out the social distancing, telling people what hat they can’t do, rather than what they can; tut- t- tutting at every opportunity and backing away with a weird look of horror and a flourish if anyone deigns to get closer than metre away from their precious space. What larks, eh?

And let’s t’s hope no one has licked the Christmas card envelopes nor the special Christmas stamps, or touched the sherry bottle or, heaven forbid, ventured into Santas Santa’s Grotty Grott – er, sorry Grotto – without a face covering. A And do rem remember to “bo book early” ever everyone, for fear of se selfish shelfraiders, raiders for whom the Spirit of Ch Christmas will be to grab as many mince pies, tubs of brandy butter, crackers, cheese, turkey, Christmas pudding and any other comestibles they can get their pudgy hands on before anyone else can get a look- in, never mind the vulnerable.

Remember the nurse breaking down in tears following her night shift, after witnessing the empty shelves plundered of their goods by selfish morons, when Covid first hit?

They’ve got previous form, the shelf- raiders, and Christmas is their speciality.

’ Tis the season to be jolly, but I’ll not be turning a blind eye to the jolly selfish. Believe me, you wouldn’t want to cross me, armed, as I will be, with a supermarket trolley and a nose for the selfish among us. You have been warned!

’Tis the season to be jolly, but I won’t turn a blind eye to the jolly selfish

Some years ago – 1995 to be precise pre – I flew to Las Vegas to interview Sharon Sha Stone about her role in the movie Casino. Ca She looked AMAZING! So, I promptly asked as her for a few beauty tips. “Two words,” she said. sa “Good lighting.” I’ve I’ been shuffling into available high wattage areas area at any opportunity ever since. But, if this snap’s sna anything to go by it seems Shazza has swapped the “good lighting” mantra for a brand new ageless tip. tip Cover yourself from head to toe, so no one can ca see the damage. I knew those horrible masks m would come in handy once Covid’s been and gone.