I vote for President... to show us his tax returns
FROM time to time we all get bombarded with messages from a number we don’t recognise and this week it was my phone that went into meltdown.
“This is URGENT,” it read, forcing me to look. “My son, Don Jr, texted you and now I’m texting you AGAIN. Your vote is crucial.”
Asked to text back to 88022, I simply replied: “Show us your taxes.”
Needless to say, he hasn’t replied.
During his career, American coal magnate Robert Murray bitterly fought against mine safety rules aimed at reducing debilitating black lung disease. Now, in a breathtaking display of hypocrisy, the climate change denier has filed an application with the US Department of Labour for, would you believe it, black lung benefits.
A disgraced Louisiana pastor caught filming himself in a sexual act with two dominatrices has been cast out by the Archbishop of New Orleans.
Gregory Aymond said he ordered the altar Travis Clark was filmed on to be “removed and burned”, adding he’ll “never again” serve in a Catholic ministry.
Idaho’s Brigham Young University is investigating claims some students are “intentionally” trying to catch Covid in order to sell their plasma for cash.
Dons say they plan to suspend and may even dismiss, any student caught attempting to contract the virus on purpose.
Police in Forest, Mississippi, pulled a driver over this week for a traffic violation, only to discover about three stone of methamphetamine hidden inside a spare tyre stashed in the vehicle.
Clearly, he was putting the high in highway.
Minnesota’s Travis Gienger has used the pandemic to cash in by winning the World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off, in Half Moon Bay, south of San Francisco.
The horticulture teacher spent his lockdown days watering the 2,350lb prize winner up to 10 times a day and feeding it at breakfast and dinner.
The 40-year-old then drove his gargantuan gourd for 35 hours to lift the title and a cheque for £12,737 – £5.42 per pound.
British TV star John Oliver is to be sent a special delivery every time residents of Danbury, Connecticut, flush the toilet.
The local council voted 18-1 to rename a sewage works the John Oliver Memorial Sewer Plant, after the comic criticised the city on his popular HBO show.
Mayor Mark Boughton wasted no time responding to Oliver on social media to explain the change.
“Because it’s full of c*** like you, John,” he said.
P.S.
On the election trail this week, which is lined with thousands of political signs. One that made me laugh read: “John Duckett: Not running for anything. I just wanted a sign too.”