My pub grub plan will have you weeping tiers of joy

TIER-swapping can be a tricky business, especially in the pub.

Going from T1 to a month of lockdown and then into T2 sowed confusion among the ranks of the beer-loving. That’s me.

Fortunately, I don’t live in Wales, where you can do anything you like on licensed premises except what they’re licensed to provide: drink.

My local can serve alcohol, but only with a substantial meal, a definition around which the politicians have been dancing like so many angels on a pin. They can’t agree whether a Scotch egg meets the requirements. Er, have you see this delicacy for sale in a pub lately? Or ever? I haven’t.

But I digress, as usual. The White Bear offers various meals for a fiver, and I chose goujons and chips. For those with a limited grasp of French, a goujon is a fish finger, only smaller.

It was very tasty, but in my hungry haste I made the mistake of cleaning my plate too quickly. And the rules stipulate that you must leave the pub as soon as you finish your meal. No more ale.

So here’s Old Routers’ guide to T2 eating: order a table for two hours. Take your seat at the appointed time, and order a drink. Then ask for the menu, with second pint. Take some time to study aforesaid, with further refreshment.

Order your food, to be served with what the lawyers call further and better particulars. Eat same slowly, with another drink. Leave some chips on the plate, to be consumed at leisure with a penultimate pint. Finish the food with your last drink.

Your two hours will now be up. You can leave the pub with a smile on your face knowing that you’ve played the system.